Story of the Day 9/ 6/ 2009

We received an invitation to a BarMitzvah at one of the fancy synagogues. You know, one of the big ones with the fancy front driveways and the “entrances” and one that even has secretary there who answers the phone during the week. The sort of a synagogue that [publishes a weekly bulletin and where you are expected to behave decorously.., and not loudly announce that you bought your new suit at Goodwill.

A few years ago, our synagogue “moved up” to a new , fancy building. So, we have the appearance of being one of the fancy synagogues, although on a smaller scale- but it is an appearance that s deceiving.

Many weeks, I walk into shul for services and I feel like I have walked into the wrong place. It is too nice. A place like this would never have me as member.

But then I am made comfortable when my friend who comes in ten minutes after Sarah and I arrive and slid into the seat on the pew next to me, excitedly shares the news that her new skirt is not just from Goodwill , but from Goodwill by the pound. And I admire her taste.
Yes, this is much more like it!

But then, one week, about 7 weeks ago, something otherworldly happened. I found a holder in the sanctuary ( and a matching one in the lobby) with a weekly bulletin. Complete with the time that Shabbat begins and ends this week, a short summary of the parsha ( section of the Torah being read this week) and who is sponsoring the Kiddush ( food after services). All printed out nicely, complete with some clip art.

I had a real moment of panic, that I had somehow walked to the wrong synagogue. Or the right synagogue, but in an alternate universe.
After the shock wore off, I even read the bulletin.
It was nice.
It was …..authentic.
Oh my gosh, I am now attending real synagogue!

Seven weeks later, I am still slightly taken by surprised when I find a new bulletin ready when I walk in.
The bulletin is the work of Parisa. Which is why I brought the invitation we were sent for the Bar Mitzvah at the fancy synagogue in for her to see, on Shabbat.
Well, not really the invitation, even though it was very nice, but the blue “enclosure “ that came with it.

You see, apparently, the fancy synagogues require their congregants to enclose a list of “rules” when they send out Bar and Bat Mitzvah invitations.

The things I never knew! Of course, with the crowd I hand out with, how would I?
After a two paragraph introduction, the card has this list of rules:

1. The Sabbath Morning Services begin promptly at 10 AM and conclude at noon.

2. Your child will be expected to remain in the Sanctuary and display proper behavior and respect during the sevice.

3. Please do not allow your child to bring pagers, cellular phones, hand-held electronic games or alarm watches to the synagogue. There is a telephone in the lobby for emergencies or special needs.

4. Gum is not allowed in the building at any time.

5. Please see to it that your child dresses respectfully for Religious Services. Jeans or T-shirts, spaghetti straps, tank tops or crop tops are not appropriate.

I showed this to Parisa and explained that, of course, this set of rules wouldn’t’ fit our synagogue, but maybe we should also make up some sort of a card for people to enclose when sending out invitations for celebrations at our shul. A list of rules for everyone, because, as we concurred, it is really more often the problems stem from adults than from children.

We had a short discussion of what might be a list of appropriate rules, of curse, I had also had a discussion, before even bringing this in to show Parisa, with my hubby.

Some possibilities were:

1. Services start at 9 AM. We really don’t’ expect you to show up that early. 9:30 is nice. 10 is okay. 11? Well, 11 is too late- it looks like you only came for the food. And we have absolutely no idea what time services will be over, so stop bothering us by asking. However, if you think the rabbi’s sermon is going a little too long- you can tell him so, while he is speaking. Just make sure you say it loudly enough for him to hear. If you are too embarrassed to do that, don’t worry, some of the men are checking their watches and will let him know if he drags on for more than 10 minutes.

2. When you or your child get up to go out to the bathroom ofr for a break- try not to run. And , especially, please do not trip over any walkers. Also, if you are a parent, please run in and out often to check on your children.

3. For G-d’s sake, turn off the damn ringer on your cell phone! We know you have it with you, since you drove here and are carrying purse- but could you at least put it on vibrate?

4. Don’t’ bring food into shul with you! What , you think we wont’ feed you? This is Etz, not that place around back or across the street! If we aren’t feeding you, it is because it is Yom Kippur and you are NOT to supposed to be eating! And if you bring gum, please be polite and share it with the people sitting next to you. And keep your hands off the food table until services are over, or Anne will come after you!

5. Kids look very cute in sundresses and tank tops. Adults do not. If we can tell what color bra you are wearing, or that you aren’t wearing bra, and that you do or do not have a tattoo right above your butt or a pierced belly button- that is just too much information! We really didn’t want to know that. And we REALLY don’t’ want to know what color you underwear is, if it is a thong or if you are not wearing any! You are not as cute as you think you are. Believe me, a T-shirt and jeans would be better!

Of course, this list will need a lot of going over. I am sure her are many things I haven’t thought of.

And Alan will have to approve it. He is the person responsible for changing the light bulbs when they burn out. At our synagogue, the title of that position , which is an elected one , is “president”.