Monday, February 27, 2012

Story of the Day 1/ 15/ 2012

Today was the deadline for the video that Sarah made to arrive for the competition.

This is the video that was made on the computer that I paid for and that is sitting in my family room, but which Apple insists someone else owns. of course, they will not tell me who that someone else is....

The same video that would not burn onto a DVD, which is why I made 6 phone calls to Apple's technical support, which si how I found out that invoice or not, we do not own this computer.

This is also the video that did not get mailed on January 9th because it had to be re-captioned for the signing impaired. You know, those poor Hearing people who are otherwise unable to understand the dialogue.

And this is the video that Youtube spent 11 plus hours uploading, only to have the upload fail.

I bet you are now expecting that the video will not arrive, today.

But it did.

You see, despite this project being born under poorly aligned celestial bodies, even for it, some things go right.
It arrived.
I feel like crying over this one successful component of the project.

Of course, I did send it the most expensive way possible, complete with tracking, and the person receiving it had to sign for it, be fingerprinted, provide a blood sample and promise to name their first born child Sam , after Uncle Sam.
But it did arrive.

I am adding up the damage.
I mean the costs.

A cable to upload from the camera to the computer. Dvds and cases. Gas to drive to Camby , Indiana , twice , to pick up one of the actors. Pizza and potato chips. Well, they had to be fed. Postage, the exorbitant type. The mailer. And a dozen small things, including props.
The prize is $200 or $250 dollars. If she wins.
At which point we will be lucky to break even, although, the expenses were mine, and the prize will be hers, if she actually wins.

Of course, I am a rather odd mother, and I con side r the entire thing to have been worth it. Well, maybe not the 6 phone calls to Apple's tech support........

Hopefully, you will feel the same way, in 3 minutes and 40 seconds, I mean, after you have viewed her video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGlSlGCAaqs&context=C3365e95ADOEgsToPDskJ6MPK86an4f6wfMgZHEMrH

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Story of the Day 1/ 9/ 2012 story #2 addendum to 1/8/2012

I got to bed rather late, last night.
It all had to do with Apple's technical support.
Well, the fact that it took me 6 phone calls and numerous attempts until I got someone who was able to give me what happened to be rather simple directions to solve the problem my daughter was having.

Oh yes,and I found out that we do not own the computer. Maybe, sort of.
And I am sure that, if I ever hear back from Apple, this will probably be another Story of the Day....

So, yesterday evening, after my kid showed up back at the ranch, I mean home, and the carefully written out instructions obtained from the guy at Apple to use the program we purchased from them at the time the computer was purchased were meticulously followed, a dvd was successfully burned.
Well, more than one dvd...there was the dvd to mail to the competition, there were the dvds for the actors, there was the dvd for the....
And the forms were assembled, in order, stapled, in a folder.
A mailing envelope was found. A nice padded one.
And addressed. And sealed.
And we all went off to bed.

Then, this morning, after the Youtube version had finally not just been uploaded, but had been processed...... Wait.
Did I mention that the upload took 11 hours? It was only supposed to take 10. The number of minutes that Youtube gave was an underestimate...by about 40. Which, considering how large the number was...well, I can't blame them.

So, it had been uploaded and then it had to be "processed", and I am vaguely suspicious that because the file was so large (which is why it took 11 hours to upload), the processing was also a rather drawn out affair...lasting until sometime this morning. But that sometime was, fortunately, before we awoke, at 5:25.

A little after 6 AM, Sarah goes and turns on the computer, and opens up the really wonderful film that she has spent weeks working on and has finally finished, and there it is.
It looks great.

It is great! It is clear!

Unfortunately, it is so clear that about 2 minutes into the 3 minute and 38 second video, Sarah sees an error in the captioning.

I scrap my plans to go to the post office, this morning.
I stare at the nicely labelled dvds in their jewel cases. The nicely labelled dvds that will be stacked up, less nicely, in the trash can- after they have been removed from the jewel cases, which we shall reuse.

Sarah has basketball practice.
So, after basketball practice, she will re-edit that section, and......will burn more dvds, and will spend another 11 hours waiting for the upload...and another night waiting for it to be processed.
And that is if everything goes smoothly.
And, tomorrow, I will go to the post office. After going to Walgreens to get another padded envelope....

The punch line is that she did not have to remove it from Youtube. Somehow, despite the 11 hours pent uploading it, and the hours it spent being processed, it never made it to Youtube. It disappeared into the mist.

Story of the Day 1/ 8/ 2012

It was the 6th phone call that got to me.
Not the first nor the second nor the third.... Of course, two of them were made necessary because I had been disconnected. From customer support from Apple.

At the start of the first phone call, the woman speaking with me asked for my telephone number, in case we were disconnected.
We weren't. She was even able to help me with the first part of the problem. But not with the second.
She transferred me to someone who specializes in that kind of an issue. And that person transferred me to someone else who specialized in what he didn't specialize in.
That third guy, well he was the third person, but the second guy, told me to use iDVD. This is because we couldn't get the dvd to burn.

Okay, "we" could. "We" being Sarah. I am merely the person stuck making all of the phone calls.
That is because I can hear, all-be-it poorly. Sarah cannot. She is profoundly deaf.

We have a videophone, and theoretically, she can use it to call customer support, and then the person at technical support can act like a total idiot about using the relay interpreter.
But Sarah cannot do that because our videophone is not working.
Well, it is working, but like many things that we touch, it works....sort of.
We can get phone calls. We just can't make them.

Of course, we also cannot actually get any phone calls on the videophone unless you call us on the voice phone and ask us to turn it on, or text us on one of the cell phones, or maybe even email us.
That is because Sarah is so popular that she gets 25-30 calls a day, from the same person, if we leave it on. So to avoid thinking violent thoughts, we leave it turned off.
Unless you use one of those other methods to contact us.

And don't worry, the person calling her doesn't read my blog.

So, I was stuck making the phone call, even though I struggle to hear some of the tech support people and even though I break out in hives if I get within 5 feet of the new computer.
And I have to explain to the tech support person that I will be interpetering for my kid, and they need to be a bit patient for this process.
As you can see, we are not popular.
The tech support people were probably just transferring me around because they were freaked out by this whole process, which is why we really need to get the videophone fixed, so they can really get freaked out.

"What do you mean you are interpreting for someone using ASL, I can't see you, so how can you be doing that?"
I am not making this up. I have heard that exact argument more than once.

So, the third tech support person- and this was still just the first phone call- told me to use iDVD. Which I tried to do.
Unfortunately, I tried to do this AFTER he had hung up.
It didn't work.

We tried this and tried this and tried this, because the guy from Apple said to do it.
And I finally called back.

"Oh, we just got an email about that a few days ago!" Said person number 5, during phone call number 2. (Well, he was the fifth person altogether, but only the second one during the second call).
"You have to use..." And he named a different program. Movie Gate? Video Gate? something like that. Don't expect my brain to retain this. Especially since those also didn't work.
Of course, it took an hour to figure that out.
It took downloading it, transferring the files, and trying to burn a workable dvd.

Phone call number three...I was disconnected.

Phone call number four, the mechanized system, computerized system that was developed by a sadist refused to recognize my speech.
Over and over and over.
"If you mean P" press one." "If you mean B, press 2", But I didn't mean either of those. I kept starting again and starting again and starting again.
I hung up, after about 5 times around.

Phone call number five. The guy again asked me for my contact phone number. This was good, because about 7 minutes into the conversation,more or less, we were disconnected.
So I hung up,and sat and waited to be called back.
And waited.
And waited.

Maybe he doesn't hear well, either,and he wrote down the wrong number.

At any rate, it gradually dawned on me that I was not going to be called back, at least no during the next 100 days of the warranty.
Phone call number 6, and I have now totally lost track of how many people I have spoken to, but the guy I ended up being transferred to looked up my computer's serial number,and it turns out the computer isn't registered to me.
Gee, I know that.
I bought it. I paid for it.
My charge card was used.
But it is my kids'. Aaron's and Sarah's.
Aaron's because he needs a computer for video editing, assuming he is going to do that again, at some point,now that he is 6 months behind in captioning the one video, and Sarah who is trying to use it, right now, during break to do a project...that has to be mailed on Monday morning, tomorrow.
Okay, not really, it could also be mailed tomorrow afternoon.

And a program was purchased, at the same time, from Apple. Actually, a few were. Some sort of word program and another video editing program and one that burns dvds.
Do not ask me about this- remember, I am not allowed within 5 feet of the computer unless I have a lot of Benadryl handy.

I explain and I give my children's last name.
And, for the second time, I explain why he gets to speak to me. I am wondering if he wants me to mail him a copy of their audiograms.

"Deaf- you know, can't hear for shit, especially on the phone because it is hard to read your lips."

No.
It isn't registered to them, either.

I tell him I have the order information. I pull it up on my email . I have saved all of those important things. That and a lot of spam, as well.
I read him the order number.

It is not my computer. It is not my kids' computer. His records do not match.
I get his email address at work.
This is hard.
I can't hear for shit, although, compared to my kids, my hearing is incredibly much like a super-power.

I tell him, after he has said his name a couple of times and spelled it that he needs to tell me a word for each letter, because I cannot figure out what letters he is saying. I can hear the "I" and the "A", and a consonant. One consonant.
He spells it again, giving me a word for each letter.

I send him a copy of the email from Apple that says that I and only I ordered and paid for the damned computer.

In the meanwhile, he is not supposed to help me figure out what to do with the computer, since it isn't mine, or my kids' and I have no right to be calling technical support for help. But he will make an exception, this one time. Especially since the correct program is on the computer that we do not own.

At this point, we are several hours into calling Apple, the kids have run off, and it is little old me in front of the computer.
And I am NOT touching anything!

I tell him I am writing it all down on a pieced of paper for them to follow, later, and to go slowly.

He does.

I write it down.

When Sarah gets home, about 290 minutes later, she stares at the paper.
It was written down carefully, but my handwriting is illegible to normal people, and to her, even though there is no chance that she is normal, be real, because she is my relative.

So she follows the instructions as I sit next to her and read them to her. Which is somehow reminiscent of how we make phone calls.....

And it works.
On the computer that apparently someone else owns.

Don't worry, I thanked the guy.

He also said that he would get back to me, or that someone would, to get this straightened out.

It is odd.
I mean, if someone buys something using my credit card number- without my authorization- you know, like when someone stole my credit card number and bought 21 laptops, I did not end up paying for the goods.
I make a report, and it is taken care of.

Actually, when that happened, the credit card company called me, they were a tad suspicious as to why I would want 21 laptops from 21 different businesses (one from each) shipped to a country in Africa.

But, in this case, I am the person who used my credit card; I bought the computer; it is sitting here, but Apple says it isn't ours, so we are not entitled to technical support (and probably not to service under the warranty), because we do not own it.

I doubt I can call the charge card company about that, but....

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Story of the Day 1/ 25/ 2012









I am not so sure I should be allowed to be typing on the computer, right now. You see, we are in the midst of a crisis.

My family, the part of it that is living here on Golf Lane , all seem to be having a flare up of ...flare ups with all sorts of sensitive electronic gadgets.

Yesterday, after dinner, my husband decided to warm up something. I have no idea what. I had already eaten and had washed the dishes and moved to the family room, and then i heard some sort of cry of alarm; and my husband lets me know that the microwave has decided to take on a life of its own.

I must have looked a bit dumbfounded. Okay, more than my usual dumbfounded, because he explained that the microwave had started to flash.

I had a fleeting image in my head of a microwave with a raincoat and a penis, but then realized he meant something more mundane.

I looked at the now empty microwave, with the door slightly ajar and 56 of the 60 seconds still showing. I closed the door and pushed start.

The microwave started flashing. You know how those things light up while the tray rotates and the food heats? Well, forget lights up- this was numerous watts brighter than what the microwave usually does, and it was in bits and spurts- rapid bits and spurts.
I pushed stop after a bare 5 seconds, and then unplugged the thing from the surge protector.

Normal people have their fancy large screen TVs and their computers on surge protectors. Okay, we do , too, but we also have a slew of smaller appliances on them. That's because it is a pain in the butt to go around unplugging them, all the time; and I don't like vampires. You know, electricity vampires- those appliances that keep sucking up electricity when you are not using them.

Of course, some vampires are not vampires, because they are essential, like our smoke detectors, or the alarm clock, because who in the heck has a watch and the patience to reset it every evening?
Then there are the air purifiers scattered throughout the house and often running when the rooms are empty. But since I like to be able to breathe at the time I enter the room, and not have to wait 15 minutes before I can safely take a breath.....
Anyhow, i unplugged the microwave from the surge protector and moved it, so it would not be used by accident. Like, by someone who doesn't want to deal with our somewhat finicky toaster and wants a warm english muffin with butter, or someone who.....

Then I had to think.
Yes, it was rather painful.
But , as you can see, I survived it, as evidenced by the fact that i am writing this Story.
I thought.
And I thought.
And I wondered if the microwave was under warranty.
And, then, I realized that it was.
Fortunately for my holy memory...whoops, i mean holey memory, there is Passover. there is "before Passover" and "after passover" and "just before Passover". If you had to clean your house for Passover, you would also think of things using this same calendar. At any rate, this microwave is from just after Passover, because I didn't' have to clean it for Passover, last year, and I have awful memories of the old microwave dying right after i cleaned it. A wasted effort, although, it had been dying for a while, and I had just been a bit too lazy to deal with getting a new one.
My memory for what i have needed to clean is good. Just don't' ask me where my car keys are.
At any rate, nice it is still while until Passover, i knew that the microwave was less than year old. And still under warranty.
So, I got the owner's manual out of the drawer and called their customer support.

After numerous very uninteresting minutes of punching this number or than number, a person who sounded to be about 14 years old answered.
I explained the problem.
"Do you have the receipt?"
"No. Because i sent it in for a rebate. I also sent in the registration card."
Luckily, they actually had a record of it.
So did I, one of my weird attributes is writing down the date I mail rebate forms on the fronts of owner's manuals. not that i would ever check, but......
"So it was sparking?"
Sparking is this thing microwaves do when you leave a spoon in your coffee cup and try to reheat your coffee. It also creates an awful smell. I know this because my previous backyard neighbor's mother did this , on occasion, when she was over there. It led to a few visits from the fire trucks, because it has also caused her elderly motor to panic.
That kind of excitement, we can live without.

"No, it was flashing." And I described the wonderful light show.

" Was it plugged into an appropriately wired socket?"
I have lived in some interesting older ...places. You could cal the "Perry Palace" with the front steps sliding off the front of the building a lot of things, but I am not sure what. But that wasn't the problem in this situation.
"The house is 14 years old. It is plugged into the kitchen socket via a surge protector because of the electronic vampires."
Yes, I actually said that.
There was a moment of silence.
I realized the man now thinks I am schizophrenic and have forgotten to take my medication and my microwave may have some very interesting flashing lights that only I can see. And he is checking his computer to make sure that Indianapolis is VERY far away from her call center.......

I hurriedly add, "I dont' like to pay for electricity that we didn't use, or didn't' use for anything, and it is bad for the environment."
I bet you are glad you were not taking this call for that company.

Another pause.

" Was there any damage to anything in the vicinity?"
"No."
"Was anyone hurt?"
"No. Just scared a bit."
"Someone will be contacting you and coming out to get the unit within the next 7 days. Please do not use the unit , in the meanwhile."
" I promise you, we will not! We will not even plug it in!"
He is talking to someone who is scared of electronics vampires. Does he really think I am gonna plug that thing in again and use it?
And that was yesterday evening.

This morning, in pre-calculus, Sarah had a test.
She pull out her handy-dandy calculator. A TI-83.
When she took Geometry, we had to buy her a fancy graphing calculator to replace the expensive calculator we had to buy her when she took Algebra.
Dont' you wish the math teachers would get together and not make us buy a new calculator every year?
But she never bonded with that graphing calculator, so she has been using the "old" one.
She turned it on.
And it started acting like it was doing drugs.
As Sarah has explained to me, normally, when a calculator dies, it dies. It doesnt' turn on, or it does but then turns off.
This lets you know that either it or the batteries are deceased. It is, obviously, less of a pain if it is the batteries. And , because of this, Sarah usually carries an extra set.
But, this calculator didn't' die.

Instead, without anyone touching the keys, it started flashing different numbers, and I don't' mean single little lone digit numbers.
This thing was having very nice party all by itself.

Sarah put her hand up; she explained to her teacher that her calculator wasn't working.
Her teacher took the calculator from her,and he had the same experience. He wasn't touching any keys and the calculator was having a real nice time playing with itself.
"Oh Goodness! Oh Goodness!"
Sarah had never heard him use that expression before. Well, she has never heard him do anything, because she is deaf; but she has also never had the terp tell her that he said anything at all like that.
She was startled.

Then he said, "Oh Goodness! Oh Goodness!"
Again.

Now Sarah was staring at him, and so were most of the other students. All of the ones that were awake.
This may have been his version of an incantation.
If so, it didn't work.
This may have been his version of'What the fuck!"
In which case, it is obvious that his mother raised him better than mine raised me.
Although, even without meeting him, you had probably guessed that since that describes a good 98% of the population. At least, the ones that are not behind bars.
Or in bars.
Or something.

So, Sarah brought it home for me.
Sans an incantation that works.
And I have to go out and get her a new one, tomorrow.
Despite the fact that i am ill.
Feverish, headachy and fat. I mean congested.
Okay, fat , too, but that is just the normal state of affairs.

She has also informed me, just before she started getting ready for bed, to go get a microwave.
She is the english muffin eater, you see.
I dont' know about that. About the microwave, that is. I do know about the english muffins.
And I also don't' know what device will go next. Go flashing or partying or frolicking around doing things it was not meant to do.

I do know,however, that my husband had his turn with the electronic jinx, last night.
Sara had hers, this morning, so it is probably my turn, now.

I am hoping it will not be the computer, which actually is under warranty.
or the car, which isn't. or at least, most of it isn't.
The only thing I am sure of, is that i won't' be using the math teacher's incantation.

I will be using a different one.
And hopefully small impressionable children will be out of ear-shot.


(note: after 4 cups of coffee, and setting the microwave up on a 10 ft. extension cord, and the camera also at a safe distance, we took the video......please note, this is a clear sign that I should never be allowed to drink 4 cups of coffee.)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Story of the day 2/ 18/ 2012

Another weekend.
Except that this one is a long, 3 day holiday weekend. Monday happens to be President's Day and my husband and daughter have off from work and from school.

My husband, who tends to be an optimist, had this wonderful, rosy vision of the three of us doing something together. He even voiced this thought, twice.
Once, last night at dinner, and once, today. Today was after services, this morning.

Since we can't do much during our Sabbath, ( and since I thought it would be nice if I made a vague attempt to come off as a supportive wife,) after our Sabbath was over, I dragged my husband down the hall to my daughter's bedroom so we could discuss actually doing something together, this weekend.
You know,discuss it BEFORE Monday evening, when the weekend is over. Since I will probably manage to forget my husband's birthday, which is coming up rather soon, I figured that this display of spousal support might help to redeem me.
You are wondering how I will manage to forget his birthday which is in only about 8 days, since I have just mentioned it?

Well, if you are wondering this, you do not know me very well. You see, it is like Father's Day.
Two years ago, for Father's Day, I bought him this really great card. I mean, it was perfect. It was funny. But in a nice way. And I got him a small but thoughtful gift.
I made the terrible mistake of doing this an entire month in advance. And I wrapped up the gift and stuck the card to it, and haven't seen it since then.
So on Father's Day, I had this terrible feeling of panic, as I searched and searched. I did much too good a job of hiding it, and still, despite cleaning twice for Passover between then and now, have not uncovered it.

And do not think that is the ONLY time I have done such a thing.

This is why my husband is really good at getting a birthday card from me in November. He is actually truly impressed that I finally found it, although, you can never be sure which year it was from.

So, we are all standing there ,awkwardly, in Sarah's room, except that only Larry is standing. Sarah is lying on her bed, and I am sitting on it. and Sarah says, " Why don't' we just not do anything. We are introverts."
And my husband says,"Well, i would like to read, and take a walk, and write." Except for the middle activity , which involves going around the block a few times, his list of activities takes place in our dining room.
What happened to my husband's suggestion from a day ago? From early today, even?

"We could get movie? We could go to the book store!" I am still trying to be supportive. I mean, that must be why I am suggesting these activities, since my preferred list takes place on the family room sofa. I want to read.

My husband and my daughter look at me like I have lost my mind.
They vote to just stay home, and not to bother with the movie.

I suppose I will work on my husband's Birthday card.
I mean the part before I lose it.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Story of the Day 2/ 15/ 2012

My son called today.
It seems that a lot of my stories start with that line.

There was, however, a subtle difference in today's call. It was at 6:10 PM, MY time, which means it was at 1:10 AM , HIS time.

"Aaron it is after 1 AM ! Why are you still awake?"
"I just got back from a wedding."
Oh, okay, that was probably a school sanctioned event. At the yeshivah, it might even qualify as a field trip.

"For one of the students?"
"Yeah."
Like i said...

"Did you eat well? Did you have a nice time?"
"Yeah, yeah."

Then my son goes on to tell me about how exciting the wedding was.
" And there was this guy who was juggling fire. Only , he missed and his vest caught on fire."
Apparently, the fire was successfully extinguished. Quickly. And there was no hospital run.

"Was this a professional performer or a guest at the wedding?"
"Um, I think he was both."
Well, I think he was a slightly inebriated wedding guest, whose nice Jewish mother is now yelling at him.
At any rate, I have decided that when Aaron gets married, I will forbid them from hiring a fire-juggler for entertainment.

This kind of excitement, I can live without.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Story of the Day 2/ 14/ 2012

Timing is everything.

I dont' have it.
Thats is why I spent quite a while on the internet, at 11 PM, yesterday night, trying to find a pair of handcuffs.
I need them today.
Today happens to be February 14th, which is Valentine's Day.

And I need those handcuffs.

At 11 PM, the only store that is open is Walmart.
Well, the only store that is likely to have handcuffs.
I had already checked on-line and Target doesn't' carry them, nor does CVS.
WalMart does, but they will not tell you which stores actually have them in stock.
So, I was dialing...calling one of the two Walmart stores which happens to be less than 20 mints from my house.
The guy who answered the phone was very friendly.
I gave him the stock number for the handcuffs; I had gotten this from their website.

"Sorry, we don't' have those in stock."
"Can you tell me if any other area stores have them?'
He could, he can, he will.
"The store in Carmel ( only 90 streets north and a dozen east) has 6 pairs."
Six pairs?
Figures.
Carmel is the city just north of us. The sign name for it is a "C" signed in the same way that you sign the word " snob".
I like sign language. It can be very descriptive.
I am not looking forward to driving up to Carmel.
At 9 AM,today, which is now Valentine's Day, I am meeting a couple of friends for coffee.
I will be taking my cell phone and a list of the Dollar Tree stores in the area. Maybe one of them has handcuffs in stock.
After all, I am only looking for a pair of toy handcuffs. Metal ones, but toy ones.

I also, last night, at roughly 11:30 PM, emailed two friends.
"Do you have a pair of handcuffs?"

One fried emailed me back rather promptly. They have a real pair of them, in the attic. My friend's husband used to be in the military police.....but it might take them a couepl of weeks to find them.....

The other friend emailed me back.
She was disappointed in me.
Not because I asked for them. And ,no, she didn't' have a pair, despite having 3 boys.
She was disappointed because I told her what they were for. She would have preferred to have imagined.....
You see, I need those handcuffs by early this afternoon.
They are to be a prop in a video my daughter is filming at school.
They have to look real.
And she only told me she needed them, yesterday evening.

But timing is everything, and it happens to be Valentine's Day, today.
And until my friend told me that I had spoiled her ....vision, it didn't' occur to me what people might think I needed them for.
Desperately.
Today.
For Valentine's Day.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Story of the Day 2/ 10/ 2012

Aaron called, this morning, from Israel.

He called at 6:20 AM and asked me if I had to rush out for work.
"Not for another hour and a half."
"Oh, okay."
He is still a little unsure about what the time difference means. After all, he has only been in Israel , since October, and it has only been the same 7 hour time difference, since then.

Then he started singing " Shabbat Shalom."

It is Friday, and our Sabbath starts in ...about 11 hours, and his starts in about 4.
So, he was singing this song.

I could tell he was singing it because he kept saying the word "Shabbat" about 4 times as often as the word " Shalom".

Since he is deaf, there was a little something missing in all of this.

The thing that was missing is called, "melody".

When he finished, I said, "That was very nice."

Of course, I don't' have my hearing aid on, and it is a long distance overseas connection, so it could have been worse.