Story of the Day 1/ 25/ 2012

I am not so sure I should be allowed to be typing on the computer, right now. You see, we are in the midst of a crisis.

My family, the part of it that is living here on Golf Lane , all seem to be having a flare up of ...flare ups with all sorts of sensitive electronic gadgets.

Yesterday, after dinner, my husband decided to warm up something. I have no idea what. I had already eaten and had washed the dishes and moved to the family room, and then i heard some sort of cry of alarm; and my husband lets me know that the microwave has decided to take on a life of its own.

I must have looked a bit dumbfounded. Okay, more than my usual dumbfounded, because he explained that the microwave had started to flash.

I had a fleeting image in my head of a microwave with a raincoat and a penis, but then realized he meant something more mundane.

I looked at the now empty microwave, with the door slightly ajar and 56 of the 60 seconds still showing. I closed the door and pushed start.

The microwave started flashing. You know how those things light up while the tray rotates and the food heats? Well, forget lights up- this was numerous watts brighter than what the microwave usually does, and it was in bits and spurts- rapid bits and spurts.
I pushed stop after a bare 5 seconds, and then unplugged the thing from the surge protector.

Normal people have their fancy large screen TVs and their computers on surge protectors. Okay, we do , too, but we also have a slew of smaller appliances on them. That's because it is a pain in the butt to go around unplugging them, all the time; and I don't like vampires. You know, electricity vampires- those appliances that keep sucking up electricity when you are not using them.

Of course, some vampires are not vampires, because they are essential, like our smoke detectors, or the alarm clock, because who in the heck has a watch and the patience to reset it every evening?
Then there are the air purifiers scattered throughout the house and often running when the rooms are empty. But since I like to be able to breathe at the time I enter the room, and not have to wait 15 minutes before I can safely take a breath.....
Anyhow, i unplugged the microwave from the surge protector and moved it, so it would not be used by accident. Like, by someone who doesn't want to deal with our somewhat finicky toaster and wants a warm english muffin with butter, or someone who.....

Then I had to think.
Yes, it was rather painful.
But , as you can see, I survived it, as evidenced by the fact that i am writing this Story.
I thought.
And I thought.
And I wondered if the microwave was under warranty.
And, then, I realized that it was.
Fortunately for my holy memory...whoops, i mean holey memory, there is Passover. there is "before Passover" and "after passover" and "just before Passover". If you had to clean your house for Passover, you would also think of things using this same calendar. At any rate, this microwave is from just after Passover, because I didn't' have to clean it for Passover, last year, and I have awful memories of the old microwave dying right after i cleaned it. A wasted effort, although, it had been dying for a while, and I had just been a bit too lazy to deal with getting a new one.
My memory for what i have needed to clean is good. Just don't' ask me where my car keys are.
At any rate, nice it is still while until Passover, i knew that the microwave was less than year old. And still under warranty.
So, I got the owner's manual out of the drawer and called their customer support.

After numerous very uninteresting minutes of punching this number or than number, a person who sounded to be about 14 years old answered.
I explained the problem.
"Do you have the receipt?"
"No. Because i sent it in for a rebate. I also sent in the registration card."
Luckily, they actually had a record of it.
So did I, one of my weird attributes is writing down the date I mail rebate forms on the fronts of owner's manuals. not that i would ever check, but......
"So it was sparking?"
Sparking is this thing microwaves do when you leave a spoon in your coffee cup and try to reheat your coffee. It also creates an awful smell. I know this because my previous backyard neighbor's mother did this , on occasion, when she was over there. It led to a few visits from the fire trucks, because it has also caused her elderly motor to panic.
That kind of excitement, we can live without.

"No, it was flashing." And I described the wonderful light show.

" Was it plugged into an appropriately wired socket?"
I have lived in some interesting older ...places. You could cal the "Perry Palace" with the front steps sliding off the front of the building a lot of things, but I am not sure what. But that wasn't the problem in this situation.
"The house is 14 years old. It is plugged into the kitchen socket via a surge protector because of the electronic vampires."
Yes, I actually said that.
There was a moment of silence.
I realized the man now thinks I am schizophrenic and have forgotten to take my medication and my microwave may have some very interesting flashing lights that only I can see. And he is checking his computer to make sure that Indianapolis is VERY far away from her call center.......

I hurriedly add, "I dont' like to pay for electricity that we didn't use, or didn't' use for anything, and it is bad for the environment."
I bet you are glad you were not taking this call for that company.

Another pause.

" Was there any damage to anything in the vicinity?"
"No."
"Was anyone hurt?"
"No. Just scared a bit."
"Someone will be contacting you and coming out to get the unit within the next 7 days. Please do not use the unit , in the meanwhile."
" I promise you, we will not! We will not even plug it in!"
He is talking to someone who is scared of electronics vampires. Does he really think I am gonna plug that thing in again and use it?
And that was yesterday evening.

This morning, in pre-calculus, Sarah had a test.
She pull out her handy-dandy calculator. A TI-83.
When she took Geometry, we had to buy her a fancy graphing calculator to replace the expensive calculator we had to buy her when she took Algebra.
Dont' you wish the math teachers would get together and not make us buy a new calculator every year?
But she never bonded with that graphing calculator, so she has been using the "old" one.
She turned it on.
And it started acting like it was doing drugs.
As Sarah has explained to me, normally, when a calculator dies, it dies. It doesnt' turn on, or it does but then turns off.
This lets you know that either it or the batteries are deceased. It is, obviously, less of a pain if it is the batteries. And , because of this, Sarah usually carries an extra set.
But, this calculator didn't' die.

Instead, without anyone touching the keys, it started flashing different numbers, and I don't' mean single little lone digit numbers.
This thing was having very nice party all by itself.

Sarah put her hand up; she explained to her teacher that her calculator wasn't working.
Her teacher took the calculator from her,and he had the same experience. He wasn't touching any keys and the calculator was having a real nice time playing with itself.
"Oh Goodness! Oh Goodness!"
Sarah had never heard him use that expression before. Well, she has never heard him do anything, because she is deaf; but she has also never had the terp tell her that he said anything at all like that.
She was startled.

Then he said, "Oh Goodness! Oh Goodness!"
Again.

Now Sarah was staring at him, and so were most of the other students. All of the ones that were awake.
This may have been his version of an incantation.
If so, it didn't work.
This may have been his version of'What the fuck!"
In which case, it is obvious that his mother raised him better than mine raised me.
Although, even without meeting him, you had probably guessed that since that describes a good 98% of the population. At least, the ones that are not behind bars.
Or in bars.
Or something.

So, Sarah brought it home for me.
Sans an incantation that works.
And I have to go out and get her a new one, tomorrow.
Despite the fact that i am ill.
Feverish, headachy and fat. I mean congested.
Okay, fat , too, but that is just the normal state of affairs.

She has also informed me, just before she started getting ready for bed, to go get a microwave.
She is the english muffin eater, you see.
I dont' know about that. About the microwave, that is. I do know about the english muffins.
And I also don't' know what device will go next. Go flashing or partying or frolicking around doing things it was not meant to do.

I do know,however, that my husband had his turn with the electronic jinx, last night.
Sara had hers, this morning, so it is probably my turn, now.

I am hoping it will not be the computer, which actually is under warranty.
or the car, which isn't. or at least, most of it isn't.
The only thing I am sure of, is that i won't' be using the math teacher's incantation.

I will be using a different one.
And hopefully small impressionable children will be out of ear-shot.


(note: after 4 cups of coffee, and setting the microwave up on a 10 ft. extension cord, and the camera also at a safe distance, we took the video......please note, this is a clear sign that I should never be allowed to drink 4 cups of coffee.)